God's Plan for the Family: Sex and Marriage

When I decided to become a physician, I did not realize how much of my day would be invested in talking to people about their family and marriage problems. It is my favorite part of my calling to be a doctor.

Here are a few examples of marriage and family problems your average family practitioner will see in his office:

> A mother of three young children is in tears, unable to cope with her grief because her husband of five years has left her for another woman. > A fifty-year-old business man is inconsolable as he weeps about his pending third divorce, with no hope for reconciliation. > A fifteen-year-old girl grieves over an incurable sexually-transmitted disease she has acquired from her first boyfriend. > A forty-five year-old woman considers leaving her husband af-ter she discovers that he has been addicted to internet pornography for years and won't give it up. > An eighteen-year-old young man who was molested by an uncle five years earlier struggles with whether or not he is a homosexual.

It is very easy for physicians to just treat the body and brain and never get to the root of many of our patient's problems. It's so easy to simply prescribe anti-depressants or consult a psychiatrist. What else does medicine have to offer?

I believe, however, that we are more than bags of hormones and neurons that we can manipulate with chemicals. We have a conscience, or an innate knowledge of right and wrong; it is our conscience which makes us feel guilty when we have done wrong. We have a spirit inside our bodies of flesh. So many of the problems we face in our mind and body have spiritual roots. To maximize health, we should treat more than symptoms; we should try to get to the root of the problems.

Throughout the course of the week, I may give the same mini-lecture on sex and marriage a half a dozen times. Time frequently limits my ability to talk as much about the Biblical remedy for these problems as I would like. That is one of the reasons I have written this tract.

I have found through experience that the truths contained herein are critical to having a happy marriage. These ideas originate from the One whose idea sex and marriage was in the first place.

Sex was God's idea

God Almighty is the Creator of all things: the earth, the sun, the sea and all life therein, the galaxies in their infinite grandeur, and our bodies. He designed us male and female, and designed that the consummation of physical attraction and love result in the propagation of children. Sex and family was His idea!

Our culture and so many of us have so mutilated God's plan for sex and marriage that we have no idea of what sex and marriage should be like: we are content to drift in the shifting waves of an uncertain ocean. We have grown so accustomed to making our own way without regard to God or His Word, that we can't even see our malady anymore, much less our remedy. Just as a fish doesn't know that it is in water, we don't even realize how saturated we are with sin and how far we have drifted from God's plan for sex and marriage.

With this tract, I hope to show you the way back home - to purpose, to fulfillment, to love and marriage as your benevolent Maker intended.

God's idea has been counterfeited by the father of lies

From the beginning, the devil has always tried to thwart God's will, and he has been very successful the past few decades convincing us to follow his will for us instead of God's will. Consider:

> Over half of our marriages end in divorce > Since 1996 more than half of our nation's children are born out of wedlock, > Sleeping together before getting married is the norm and virgin-ity is taboo, > Over thirty million couples have aborted 45-50 million chil-dren, > Fornication, adultery, and homosexuality are commonly por-trayed as wholesome sexual expressions in public school sex-ed classes and on prime-time television, > Pornography has grown 1800% over the last five years and is among the top ten industries in our nation, > Couples frequently favor careers and comforts over raising kids.

We have abandoned the Owner's Manual - the Holy Bible - for a standard of right and wrong that is counterfeit and destructive.

The Bible says, "Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it." (Psalm 127:1a)

Have we labored in vain to build our homes on frail and rotten foundations? How would the Lord have us build our house? What does the Owner's Manual have to say about sex, marriage, and family?

Unfortunately, many of us will be so repulsed by the diagnosis of God's Word that we will continue on in denial rather than embrace the truth and the remedy that our Creator and Savior offers us. God's Word speaks truth without regard to our feelings, personal preferences, or the bliss of our ignorance that eternal truth disturbs. For that reason, this tract is not for those who are easily offended or who resist His Spirit. It is written for the open heart who wants a solid rock on which to build a home, a solid foundation that can withstand the storms of this life and the scrutiny of Judgment Day (Matthew 7:24-27).

Back to the Owner's Manual

When God performed the first marriage ceremony between Adam and Eve, he set their union as a precedent. His words declare marriage to be when "a man shall leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." To "cleave" means to "cling to, stick to, come together with, unite with." Marriage makes one flesh out of two bodies, one life out of two lives. Our marriage vows still echo this sentiment:

I take you... To have and to hold, In sickness and in health, In riches and in poverty, Until death do us part.

This marriage vow is a vow that is written in Heaven. If you are single, more than likely you are going to take that vow with someone someday, and when you do, it will be written in Heaven. If you are married, when you recited your wedding vow, it was written in Heaven. It is a vow to which God will hold us accountable on a future day of judgment.

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled," Hebrews 13:4 says, "for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (NAS) Two New Testament passages, Galatians 5:19-21 and I Corinthians 6:9-11, say that "fornicators will not inherit the kingdom of God." Fornication is a broad term of sexual promiscuity that includes all sex outside of wedlock. God wills that sex remain within marriage, within a lifelong relationship between a man and a woman who have "cleaved" together.

Ephesians 5:3-7 says, "But fornication, and all uncleanness, and covetousness (lust is coveting a woman or man that is not your spouse), let it not once be named among you.... For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no man deceive you with vain words..." What kind of "vain words"? How about "it's okay if we're in love," or "it's okay because everybody's doing it," or "it's okay if we're committed to each other," or "it's okay if we're engaged." No, it's not okay. "Let no man deceive you with vain words," the passage says, "for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. Be not ye therefore partakers with them."

Contrary to popular belief, our bodies were not designed to sin. Sin may bring temporary pleasure, but sin is contrary to the way we are designed. Sin inevitably destroys. Sin is unloving. Revelation 4:11 says that we were created for God's pleasure. God wants us to be happy, but God knows better than us what brings true happiness. God knows that the path of sin ultimately brings misery, and so He forbids it because He loves us. "Now the body is not made for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body" (I Corinthians 6:13). We were not made for sin, however pleasurable sin may feel. We were made for the Lord. We were designed to enjoy sex within His will, in the confines of matrimony.

It's worth the wait!

Single people: do not think of sexual abstinence as the absence of intimacy, but the preserving of it. Abstinence isn't the absence of sex any more than Christmas Eve is the absence of Christmas presents, or a savings account is the absence of money. Abstinence is preserving sexual intimacy, treasuring sexual intimacy, for the right time with the right person, in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Sex before marriage with a woman that you don't ultimately marry is really cheating on your wife. That's how God sees it! When you get married, you'll owe your spouse an apology. You should save yourself for your future mate-they're worth it!

I think that many marriage problems today result from sexual sin yesterday. Co-habitation before marriage doubles the chance that that couple will divorce when they are married. Trust is built through fidelity, and fidelity is practiced when you are single. Thankfully, we serve a forgiving God who can heal, forgive, and deliver us from all of our sins, and who can help us forgive each other.

What about lust?

Thus far, we have only dealt with what the Owner's Manual has to say about outward sexual sin. But God, in His love, knows that to maximize our potential as His image-bearers, we must control more than our outward acts.

Jesus said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery. But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee (or cause you to sin) pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell" (Matthew 5:27-30). Implied here is that lust can lead you to hell.

Jesus was elaborating on the tenth commandment. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife... nor any thing that is thy neighbor's." God forbids coveting that which He hasn't given you.

"Godliness with contentment is great gain" (I Timothy 6:6), but covetousness is discontentment and ungratefulness with what God has given you. Covetousness is worshiping the creature more than the Creator; it is "idolatry" according to Colossians 3 and Ephesians 4: "for which things sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience."

We must keep our thought-life in subjection to God's will (II Corinthians 10:3-6). We must be like Joseph, who, when he was seduced by a beautiful woman, fled from her presence (Genesis 39:7-13). Job made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully upon a woman. Displeasing God is not an option - not after what He has done for us on the cross, not with the severity of the punishment that awaits those who harden their hearts to His grace.

I Corinthians 7:1-2 says, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." To avoid temptation, single men and women must avoid intimate contact. In due time, you can have your wife or husband within the will of God, but until then, save sexual intimacy. Treat each other like brothers and sisters. My wife and I waited through three years of courtship to kiss each other. With God's grace you can do it, and yes, it's worth it!

Hell in high heels

In Proverbs, the book of wisdom, we don't see a lot of admonitions that women need to flee lustful men, but we see many admonitions that young men need to flee seductive women. In Proverbs 2:16-19, 5:3-21, 6:23-35, chapter 7, and 9:13-18, we see repeated admonitions for young men to stay away from the seductive woman - don't even look at her! God knows that men are more inclined to be attracted to what looks gratifying, and God knows that the devil is very good at making forbidden fruit look tasty and becoming. The devil has had a lot of practice at enticing young men to their destruction with candy-coated poison on a sharp hook. So God warns us throughout the book of Proverbs:

"Lust not after her beauty in thine heart, neither let her take thee with her eyelids. For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life... He that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.... Her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell."

Men must be on guard against women who dress and act and talk in such a way as to entice you to look at them and enjoy what God has given to their husband or future husband, but not to you. She's a trap, a deep ditch, it says in the book of Proverbs; it also says that a beautiful woman without discretion is like a jewel of gold in a swine's snout. Wait for that one person with whom God is going to join you in marriage and refuse all others! And once you find her, be faithful to her, in your mind and your heart. She's worth it, and she'll appreciate you all the more for your patience and self-control.

No back doors in marriage

God intended the marriage covenant to be eternal. He did not design the covenant of marriage to be abandoned.

Jesus said in Matthew 19:7, "Wherefore they are no more twain (or two individuals), but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." According to Ecclesiastes, it is better not to vow a vow than to vow a vow and not do it.

"Well, I've fallen out of love with my spouse," has spilled from the mouths of many adulterers. "I've fallen in love with another woman."

Love, my friend, is not a feeling, it is not an emotion, it is not simply a sexual act. Love is a choice. It is not something you fall into or out of. The loving thing to do in every situation is to do right, and it's right to keep your marriage vows. If things get tough between you and your wife, don't even think about divorce. Don't even joke about it!

The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence - until you get there. Then, before long, the grass is looking greener elsewhere. So easily infatuated is the wandering soul. Oh, if we would just trust in our Creator, and live as He instructs! He loves us.

The only justification for divorce according to the Designer of marriage is adultery. Not emotional abuse, not falling out of love, not incompatibility. Only adultery justified permanent separation. (The Bible has much to say about this, but it is beyond the scope of this tract. For your own personal study, please read Matthew 5:31-32, 19:1, Luke 16:18, Mark 10:11-12, I Corinthians 7:10-16, and Romans 7:1-3.)

When my wife and I got married, we decided that we would never divorce for any reason - including adultery. Divorce fills both sides of our family tree, and we decided that what God has joined together, we're not going to let sin or Satan tear asunder. If one of us should commit adultery - God forbid! - the other would call friends and family to pray and try to persuade the guilty party to repent. If repentance ensued, then we would be reunited and forgive. If repentance did not ensue, we would continue to plead and pray for repentance and reconciliation. This is God's best! He wills that adulterers repent and be reconciled to their spouses, and He wills that spouses who are sinned against forgive, just as they have been forgiven of God (Matthew 6:14-15, Matthew 18:15-35, Ephesians 4:32). There is liberty in forgiving those who have sinned against us, and there is disease and bondage in bitterness and unforgiveness.

I know that the words of the Holy Bible are not easy to hear in our generation, but they are the words of life nonetheless. If there is sin in your life, I implore you to forsake your sins and call upon the name of Jesus for mercy. He died on the cross for our sins, and He is willing to save you right now if you will turn from your sins and be "born again" to a new life of love and purity (John 3:1-21). I am so glad I did!

We must live in light of Judgment Day, my friend. We are all going to stand before God and give an account for how we fulfilled our marriage vows. We won't be able to hold forth as an excuse, "But they didn't love me," or "They didn't treat me well." Let us obey God regardless of whether our mate, or the rest of the world for that matter, winds up in hell! Do not trade the rich blessings of God for the crumbs of sin and selfishness. God is worth your love and obedience.

Tract by Patrick Johnston, D.O. - www.rightremedy.org